Him

Moonlit night,

Dark green grass,

Lying together,

Staring at the stars…

Unspoken words,

Words too close to our hearts…

If we take a step forward,

We’d fall apart…

But if we never dare to step,

We’d never be able to move ahead…

Transfixed at a dichotomy we face,

Spiraling and spiraling,

It eats our heads…

At times I try,

Maybe too hard

But it’s only when moments we shared comes to focus,

So large,

So magnified

That I fail to see,

Beyond my belief…

Reality knocks stronger at times,

To keep myself shut

In this cage of mine…

But I can’t stop asking myself,

If he meant something,

Or nothing at all,

Of the things he did,

Those little moments of happiness that he made me feel…

Intentional or not,

I keep wondering day after day,

Without an answer:

My irrational wail…

Should I hold on,

Or let it go…

I keep vacillating endlessly,

Either gains prominence

With the same loose wind that hits me time and again…

It was easier,

Just to see him everyday,

Although unpredictable as he was,

He still managed to surprise me,

In a happy way…

Its not just what he did,

But his very presence

That’d invariably rise my heart palpitations:

Just the way he looked at me,

The way he laughed,

And the way he’d click his tongue…

Ephemeral activities of his,

That’d just make me feel in an indescribable way…

Serious infatuation,

Some may say,

Desperateness others would call,

But really, I believe it was free of them all…

Or maybe a mixture,

Or maybe not,

I don’t know myself at all…

But something inside keeps telling me,

It’s not that stupid after all…

That something, which tells me to hold on…

That something, which beckons me to try,

Even if I’d fail anyway,

That something, which is so irrationally stuck in me,

That I can’t get it off,

Even if I might ignore it most of the times…

That something, which continues to stay,

And haunts my dreams in the weirdest ways…

I wonder what transfixes me more,

Is it him and what he left behind,

Or is it that something,

Which pushes me into a spiral time and again…

Evil or Saint,

I wonder what it is,

Torturous or Calming,

I wonder which dominates,

Sinful or Pure,

I wonder which overrides the other…

Both I feel,

Both I go through,

His evanescent past presence in a golden memory,

And his prolonged absence in dusted reality…

Him, I have

Or him, I’ve lost…

That something, still persists and will continue persist in me,

Until time and fate finally decide to rust its working…

Found and Lost again...

What's been lost is hard to find...

To begin a anew a different life, 
A different story,
A different drama, 
A different movie in play...

The only sad part being
You never know the end,
You never know what lies on the other side...

The wait, 
The goodbyes,
The greetings,
The mix-ups,
And all the weird dreams...

In my brain, 
They form a weird tangle,
All the memories,
Stringed by varying shades of grey...

Words are my only rescue,
To paraphrase endless thoughts 
That form no coherent pattern.

Of moments lost in time,
That, which will never return again...
That, which lost their charm in the monotonic ticks of the clock...

Most of the times, 
You can only sit back and ponder, 
Sometimes wishing to rewind, erase, and redo...
But usually, its the same reel of memories 
Playing over and over again...

And all you are, 
Is a lone spectator, 
Of a chain of events...

The greetings are always warm,
The smiles and laughter, wrapped in joy,
But transient states 
They fade...

What's been lost is hard to find.

But it is harder to lose, once you've found it again.

Although life tries to teach you,
Time after time, 
The art of letting go,
Instead you try to hold on even more...

Its not the fights, the shouts that hurt,
Its only the greetings,
The same smiles and laughter that return to haunt...

Making the art of letting go,
All the more difficult and tiring...

Sometimes you find it.

Sometimes you lose it.

But sometimes, its time to learn the game:
The art of lost and found...

In believing that it would be found, 
Although it appears lost,  
And serenely accepting, what's found, 
Might be lost again...