Him

Moonlit night,

Dark green grass,

Lying together,

Staring at the stars…

Unspoken words,

Words too close to our hearts…

If we take a step forward,

We’d fall apart…

But if we never dare to step,

We’d never be able to move ahead…

Transfixed at a dichotomy we face,

Spiraling and spiraling,

It eats our heads…

At times I try,

Maybe too hard

But it’s only when moments we shared comes to focus,

So large,

So magnified

That I fail to see,

Beyond my belief…

Reality knocks stronger at times,

To keep myself shut

In this cage of mine…

But I can’t stop asking myself,

If he meant something,

Or nothing at all,

Of the things he did,

Those little moments of happiness that he made me feel…

Intentional or not,

I keep wondering day after day,

Without an answer:

My irrational wail…

Should I hold on,

Or let it go…

I keep vacillating endlessly,

Either gains prominence

With the same loose wind that hits me time and again…

It was easier,

Just to see him everyday,

Although unpredictable as he was,

He still managed to surprise me,

In a happy way…

Its not just what he did,

But his very presence

That’d invariably rise my heart palpitations:

Just the way he looked at me,

The way he laughed,

And the way he’d click his tongue…

Ephemeral activities of his,

That’d just make me feel in an indescribable way…

Serious infatuation,

Some may say,

Desperateness others would call,

But really, I believe it was free of them all…

Or maybe a mixture,

Or maybe not,

I don’t know myself at all…

But something inside keeps telling me,

It’s not that stupid after all…

That something, which tells me to hold on…

That something, which beckons me to try,

Even if I’d fail anyway,

That something, which is so irrationally stuck in me,

That I can’t get it off,

Even if I might ignore it most of the times…

That something, which continues to stay,

And haunts my dreams in the weirdest ways…

I wonder what transfixes me more,

Is it him and what he left behind,

Or is it that something,

Which pushes me into a spiral time and again…

Evil or Saint,

I wonder what it is,

Torturous or Calming,

I wonder which dominates,

Sinful or Pure,

I wonder which overrides the other…

Both I feel,

Both I go through,

His evanescent past presence in a golden memory,

And his prolonged absence in dusted reality…

Him, I have

Or him, I’ve lost…

That something, still persists and will continue persist in me,

Until time and fate finally decide to rust its working…